The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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