one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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