i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
