I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Randomize
