I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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