Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I came so hard my ears popped.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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