Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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