tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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