I am midnight drunk by noon
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
