Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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