Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
we're so committed to being not committed
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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