wat bout pragnant strippers??
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize