He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
