It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
So vagazzling was a success
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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