Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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