I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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