complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
