These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
