Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
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