I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
