Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize