I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize