I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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