I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
