Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
