That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
