...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
