If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
