First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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