I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
