New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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