4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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