want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
