Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
