you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize