Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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