i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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