One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
