you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize