Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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