She is in my trunk
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
is wine microwaveable?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize