Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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