dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
