If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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