When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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