Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize
