I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
