So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
