I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize