I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
