if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize