Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
only you would photoshop your dick
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
