I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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