It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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