I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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