pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize