Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
